For the past few years, I have been one of those annoying people who just does things even though I feel a little anxious about it. I figure the discomfort of the situation won't last forever and I'll be a stronger person for doing it. I got my driver's license, conquered my fear of the dentist, sucked up my shyness and met new neighbours and attended playdates and girls nights out with people I didn't know, and went to baby showers for people that I didn't know.
I've been confident - in my driving, in my parenting, in my relationships, in my everything. My self confidence and self esteem has been healthy - perhaps a little too healthy at times - and I have seen my value and the value of others, even where others could not see it.
I've been one of those annoying people who always can see the bright side of things. I have trusted purely in God to fill in the gaps of my life that I feel that I can't fill. And He has. I've felt strong and blessed and grateful and smart and chock-full of love.
But now I feel weak. I feel alone. I feel insufficient. I feel like I am letting everyone down. I feel like I am wasting time and money. I feel like I am a horrible mother. I feel more broken than ever.
I feel like a whiner. Why can't I just suck it up like usual? How can I help other people when I can't help myself?
What kind of worth do I have if I can't help other people??? Helping others is my whole life. Slowly, slowly, I have had to pull out of commitments. It's been slowly unfolding over the past few years. I look back and I see it. Committing to things and then pulling out after I had over-filled my plate.
This morning I couldn't even bring myself to suck up my uncomfortable feelings and go to church. 'It is too far,' I thought. 'I can't handle the kids' misbehaviour on my own,' I thought. I sent three emails explaining that I wouldn't be at church today and that I was sorry to let the person down, but could we make other arrangements to get the forms handed in, to get the sewing items to me so I can get them done in a timely manner.
This week I'll send three more emails explaining to the boys' teachers that I probably won't be able to help in the classrooms again until the new year, hopefully.
Next Monday I have a dentist appointment for a root canal. I'm considering calling to ask if I can move it up to this week so my mom will be here to be with me at the appointment. I don't feel brave anymore. But I hope that having it done will make my mouth stop hurting and I hope that that will be some magical key to a step of my recovery.
I want to be better. I don't want to work for it, but it is becoming very evident that this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done - recovering from anxiety and anorexia. I can't just take a pill and eat more food. I wish it were that easy. I thought it would be that easy, but I was so so wrong.
The truth is, I don't know how to work for something. Life has come easy to me, all the way from school to marriage. I even only had to labour to deliver two of my babies, and even at that, not all the way to their births. Now hard has set in, and I am floundering because it is a whole new life for me.
Still trusting in God, still loving others, newly trying to figure out how I feel about myself.