Today is not a good day. There are just too many things piling, piling, piling and it is getting to be too much for me.
It's funny, I have never felt more alone than I do right in this very second, but at the same time all I want is to be alone. All by myself, making choices for myself. Doing what I want to be doing without feeling guilty about what I am not doing. I want to be with people that I want to be with and not people that I have to be with.
I have never felt so close to getting help and answers and so so far away at the same time.
I hate that I need other people. I don't want to need anyone. It would be so much easier then, wouldn't it?
My heart is breaking for a friend whose son was diagnosed with lymphoma yesterday. Out of the blue, out of nowhere. He is the same age as my youngest son. His mom a single mom. He has two brothers too, like my boy.
I hate that I don't want to hug my kids today because they are making me so angry. I hate that I want a break from them. So so badly. I hate that I can't get it.
My husband is sick and working his butt off anyway. And still trying to make sure that the kids do something other than fight and turn the house into a disaster area in ten seconds flat. All my hard work. For naught. When my husband can see it happening, then I know it has gotten bad. I wish he and I could run away together. We 'get' each other so well.
I wish I had boxes and bags to carry through the house and fill with stuff to get out of here. Today my house feels way too small. Too cluttered. Too garbagey. I wish I could just get rid of almost everything and leave it empty and silent.
I have finally reached the weight goal I set for myself. Yay. I feel happy that I can eat without feeling sick. Yesterday I couldn't button my only clean pair of jeans. I know I should be okay with it, but I am not. I feel like a fat blob now. Why can't I just be happy about this? I thought I set myself up to be okay with it.
I am sitting here paralyzed in sadness and confusion. I think I'm going to order pizza for dinner tonight because I don't have it in me to cook. I hate that I have to share it with the kids and that it will be a reward for them...rewarding their bad behaviour. But I can't not feed them. I know the laws. :P
I'm sure it doesn't help that I didn't sleep last night and my period is due tomorrow. But today I am low, and I am struggling and I wish that my kids would just do things my way for once, to keep the peace, to keep my plans, to keep my schedule.
They have lost their electronics privileges and guess who is punished by that?!? I'll give you a clue - it is not them.
Just four hours until bedtime!