Sunday, April 14, 2013

Cipralex: 5 Months and lots of other randomness

I have been taking 5 mg of Cipralex for five months now, and all is well with it.

Recently (while on a spring break vacay with the kids), I went to take my pill in the van before meeting up with some friends.  I could not break that thing in half for the life of me.  I bit it in half.  Bleh.  When I returned home, as soon as I was out purchasing groceries, I bought myself a pill splitter.  Seriously, one of the best inventions ever.  I should have gotten one in November when this all started.

And all the other stuff...

Counseling...meh.  I have been taking the kids weekly for family counseling.  Of course once we get there, they are perfect and the counselor is impressed by their brightness, their ideas and their ability to interact following the rules that they are taught during the session.  Seriously, the second we step out to the van, they are hurting each other, bickering and screaming.  I think the counselor is great, and he is teaching wonderful strategies to the kids and I, but most of them are things I've done for years, and the stuff the kids get from the session, they take it home and turn it into a new way to attack each other.  So draining.  I am holding on to hope that with us following through with what we learn and making it a regular part of our home, it will eventually click in for the kids and everything will be better.  Best to be positive about it, right?

I am still doing P90X.  Tomorrow I begin week 8.  The truth is I am tired of it and it has been a huge struggle to get the workouts in lately.  BUT, I do love the flexibility I have gained, and I love that my thighs are pure muscle.  If I had to pick two areas that I'd really really like to firm up, it would be my butt and my abs.  I think this explains my loss of interest in P90X lately.  I am just not into all that biceps/triceps/chest/back/legs stuff.  I really just want to do cardio.  But I will finish the program.

Moving onto weight gain...it seems to no longer be a problem.  This morning I weighed in at 112.4 pounds.  Perfect.  Even if it does bum me out a little that my "fat" jeans are the ones that fit me better.

There have been some negatives lately.  I had given up Coke and Frosters for awhile but now I am finding that I really need one or the other to get through the day.  These hits of sugar and caffeine give me stress relief, as long as I stay within a certain limit.  Too much sugar and I am easily agitated.  As a result, my water consumption has gone down.  I was up to 3L per day for awhile.

I have not been rigidly following my eating rules (protein snacks or meals five times per day) for the past while or taking all of my supplements.  Laziness makes me more lazy.  Tired.  Dragging.  I have found that I need a nap to get through the afternoon, and I usually rest on the couch for 30 minutes to an hour after I send the boys back to school after lunch.  Also, I've been trying to spend time with my husband by staying up to watch his shows with him at night and have been missing my 10:00 bedtime.  If I am not in bed by 10, I get hungry, nauseous, and it gets harder for me to fall asleep.

I am a little frustrated that after all this time that I have been working to make myself better and "normal", I still have to follow such a rigid schedule of food, sleep and exercise.  It gets boring after awhile.  I have noticed lately that I've become bored with the routine of my life and I have decided I want to do stuff, even if I have to do it on my own.  I so enjoyed doing stuff while I was on vacation.  I loved going to the spa with my mom and a friend.  I loved going to the gym with my mom and another friend.  I went out for lunches, dinners, to the theatre, mini golfing, out for appetizers.  There was a huge family dinner with about 20 people and everyone brought something and the socializing time was great.  I learned that I need people.  I remembered that I love people.  I got to do adult stuff with other adults.  I did not have kids in tow.  And it was fabulous.  I have been so lonely.

While I was away, my hubby sent me links to listings of homes in our neighbourhood that are comparable in size to ours.  We have been watching the real estate listings for years now.  It seems that things are coming up in price enough that if we sold our home now, we would not end up buried in monstrous debt.  If we sold, we could relocate to a place with all that fun that I had.  So many women that I could 'hang' with.  My parents, my brother, my family.  It's funny, we've been planning this for years.  My parents suggested that we move with them when they left here almost four years ago.  My hubby was on board immediately (surprised me!) while I was not really interested.

But now that it is a real possibility, and having just been there with the kids for two weeks...well, I am torn.  The support is like gold to me.  But how could I tear my kids away from the life they know and love here?  The church, their school, the family they have?  Why would I give up my position in "Canada's best-ranked city"?  We are right on the cusp of a new life stage now.  Our youngest will start full day kindergarten in August.  I will return to work after 11 years.  My hubby is itching for a career change.  It makes sense to move, in terms of starting fresh and new.

But it would take so much effort.  So much emotion.  And remember, I am stuck on lazy lately.  LOL

The 'place' we are in right now as a family is painful, aching, that transition place, trying to make decisions, everything changing, growing out of our home and out of our jobs and the responsibilities that have been assigned to us for years.  It's a new place where we are looking outward at our surroundings and to the future, instead of focusing on getting through one day at a time as a young family.  We are growing up.  Such a strange feeling.

Anyway, my point is, through all of this loneliness and unsure-ness and busy-ness (did I mention life has never been as busy as it is right now??) and stress and everything else coming along with it all, I have not been anxious.  I've been able to make it through without my body freaking out on me.  And I am so grateful for that.  :)

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