Monday, August 12, 2013

Brokenhearted

I think my heart actually broke today.  My chest hurts.  My throat hurts.  I cried harder than I have in longer than I can remember.  I couldn't hold it in and I couldn't suck it up.  It was so bad that I had to go bug my hubby in his (home) office.  Normally I cry completely alone - I don't ever want anyone to see me.

But I am hurt.  I am weary.  I am emotionally exhausted.  My spirit is beaten down.  I don't feel like I can be strong any longer.  Not for one more step.

The psychologist that I got my son in to see turned out to be a fabulous match.  After my boy's first session with her, he was already so much better.  He didn't cry all day every day about everything anymore.  He stopped clinging to me. 

In his second session with her, she asked him to choose a worry to "zap" and he chose the biggest one - his fear of school and getting sick at school.  We worked on that for an hour.  I am so ridiculously proud of him.  My boy is amazing.  Since that session, he has been even better.  In five days I have seen him express anxiety ONE time.  ONE. 

We are doing our homework.  We are believing this is going to work.

Well, I was until today.

Today I called the psychologist's scheduling office to book more appointments because the scheduler had not yet replied to my email that I sent awhile ago, asking to book our remaining eight appointments.

It turns out that there are no openings until October.  Two months from now.

School starts in three days.

I feel like I was punched.  Hard.

Finally, FINALLY I had some hope.  I was so excited about this, and knew that it was the key for my boy.  He is excited to go to the appointments.  He is smiling and happy again.  He is wonderful.  How am I supposed to break this news to him?  I know that he will be crushed.

I hate thinking, "Why can't this be easy?" but my brain keeps going there.  I feel like I've been fighting for this so long.  I'm so tired of trying to get help and being shot down just as we get off the ground.  It has happened over and over to our family.  I don't understand what we are doing wrong.  I'm starting to take it personally.

I can't even think clearly to try to figure out our next step, which is a big thing for my 'doer' self.  We could just take the wait and see approach, but what if things get horrible over the next two months?  There is a chance we won't be able to afford the sessions at all by October.  Then we'll be back at square one.  Again.  With another few months wasted.

I'm just so done with trusting professionals.  Why can't I just fix things myself??  Why can't I protect my family from being hurt? 

So very frustrated.  :(

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