Saturday, December 14, 2013

Longest and worst panic attack ever

I am struggling something awful with my anxiety right now.

Last Friday, my mom had a heart attack and I flew to her city and was there with her and family for seven days.  She is okay, and went home on the sixth(?) day.  My grandpa lives with my parents and is also unwell right now, suffering with terminal brain and lung cancer. 

Since I had been anxiety-free for so long, I was very surprised when around day three of my visit, I started feeling symptoms of anxiety.  They have actually not gone away since then and I am perplexed.  I have wondered if I perhaps have some kind of flu - fatigue, muscle weakness, loss of appetite, nausea, diarrhea, so much phlegm, but ridiculously dry mouth at the same time.  My chest and back and arms and legs hurt, I'm cold and tingly and my feet are sweating but nothing else. My heart pounds constantly, and it seems to be worse when I am laying down.  I'm barely sleeping. 

I hate this.  Deep breathing does not calm me.  I've upped my medication and it has made no difference whatsoever.  Even on 5 mg I was still getting the flashy light things behind my eyelids when I woke up in the mornings, now, at 10 mg, nothing.  I joked to my mom that I think they gave me a placebo with my latest prescription refill...I went to a new place to have it filled.  I think I will also share that joke with my dr. on Monday. 

I have read the start of this blog a little, and I am considering starting all over with everything that I did to help myself the first time.  I'm a little concerned that it won't work though, and I don't know how I will handle that.  I'm really quite disappointed in myself that I am feeling this way now.  For it to be so so bad now after I thought I had everything figured out and I was doing so well...it is really hard on the morale of this perfectionist.  How can it be worse than ever?

Stupid anxiety.  GO AWAY! 


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