Sunday, August 31, 2014

Feelings

"I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful.  I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful."

Okay, not really.  That is a quote from the movie, "What About Bob".  He repeats it to himself when he just needs that little extra reassurance to get over his anxious feelings to do something that his body just doesn't want to let him do.

I've been repeating it to myself a lot lately.  It doesn't work, by the way. I know I am lying.  And for once, it isn't really anxiety I'm dealing with.  It's depression.  Mind numbing depression.

There are a lot of stressors in my life right now, and their heaviness weighs me down, quite literally.  It feels like my heart is being pulled down into the ground.  I am having trouble remembering things, I'm mixing up words (was looking for a spoon the other day...called it a shoe), I'm even having trouble with balance, and have almost fallen over twice today already.  

I've stopped exercising, doubled up my sugar and caffeine consumption, just stopped caring about the fat accumulating around my waist.  I feel lonely and alone and abandoned by some.  

I don't feel good, great or wonderful.  I feel nauseated.  I feel exhausted.  I feel like I could burst into tears at any second.  

I used to have this blog publish and feed directly to my Facebook wall.  Last night I spent hours trying to figure out how to make that stop.  My hubby figured it out for me because I just could not.

I wonder where the real me has gone.

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