This morning I had an appointment for some lab work. It was my annual test, so I had to fast for the bloodwork.
Since I made the plan to get better, breakfast has been a mandatory part of my day. When I was sick, I skipped breakfast because I didn't want to eat and then have it go right through me at an inopportune time. My body got used to me not eating in the morning. Since that is no longer the reality, not eating breakfast today was very difficult.
I woke up reminding myself that I couldn't eat anything, and that I would need to make sure my bladder was full for the urine sample part. Funny story...my body remembers when I wouldn't eat anything but I drank lots of water for the "full" feeling. And my body didn't like the memory. It wanted to throw up the water, then it wanted it to come out the other end. The ill feeling in my stomach brought on the usual panicky feelings and I had to work to stay relaxed and calm (thankfully I have progressed VERY well in this area).
I was blessed with an on-time appointment and the best lab tech I've ever had. I didn't even feel the needle go in. My bladder decided that it wasn't shy anymore after only a minute, so I was able to get out of there to find some food quickly. I had planned to attend my step class, but there was no way that I'd be able to make it through the hour with an empty belly (oh how times have changed!), so I grabbed some breakfast and ate it in my van very slowly because my stomach was now in full-on remember mode and had shifted back to the "we don't really need food anyway" mentality.
Seriously, they say the gut is a second brain with a "mind of its own" and they are not kidding.
The thing that scared me about all this is I was thinking about how easy it would be to get used to that again. My brain whispered, "You only feel the hunger for a little while, then it goes away," and "remember how much you hate all the weight you've put on?" and "if you just do this for a little while, your clothes will fit again."
Interestingly, I had planned to skip lunch because I had eaten a fast food breakfast, but someone is looking out for me and that wasn't going to happen. I have a soft spot for fast food. Today was fun lunch day at my kids' school and I headed in to help our fundraising coordinator distribute the meals. The restaurant had packed us four extra sandwiches and marked them "Free", so my friend sent me home with two, and I ate one for lunch.
I feel like today was one big test for me on the whole IBS/Anxiety subject. I'm not sure that I've passed yet, but I did make it this far, and hopefully the rest of the day will see me making good choices.