Since I went back to work, our home has gotten very small very quickly.
Having one bathroom really really makes mornings difficult.
I don't have patience for the kid-sharing-rooms bedtime fights. Because I am tired and I really just want time and silence to myself.
Seeing clutter everywhere constantly depresses me and saps the last energy I would use to clean up. There is just stuff. Everywhere. All the time.
Having our dresser in our master bedroom closet means that I can't hang my work clothes in there because a lot of them are too long. So the long stuff goes up to the next level of the house, in a storage space, and some mornings, I run up and down the stairs multiple times. But everyone else is doing that too, really, they just go the other way to the basement because even though I am okay at keeping up with washing and drying the laundry, it does not make it out of the piles on the family room floor. It doesn't even really get folded until the room is impassable.
I think it is no secret that I loved my stay at home mom life. This past week I was considering that maybe staying in this house wouldn't be so bad if I could just go back to the much calmer stay at home mom life I had before. It is also no secret that the only reason I am working is so that we can buy a larger home that is more suited to our growing family. Even my boss-est boss knows.
The thing I struggle with a lot is that when I started back to work, I am the only one that things really changed for. Work doesn't replace anything for me. It adds to my to-do list. My family still has the same life, more-or-less, that they had before. Except with a little more yelling and swearing and rushing, and a little less me volunteering at the school and attending performances.
And then I look at everything that I've just written and mock myself. How can I look at all that I have and be anything other than grateful? What right do I have to not appreciate the fact that I have a bathroom at all? Or a house at all? Or clothes, or kids, or a job??
I do appreciate all of it. Every bit. I do realize that some people could look at me and think, "wow, she has it all." I try so hard to be mindful of that. So hard. And still the frustration creeps in, every single day.
And every morning as I turn off the highway to head to work, I see the most beautiful mountains, and any frustration of the morning melts away. And those mountains make me think of the friends I love the most and don't see nearly enough; they make me miss my parents and brother so much that it hurts some days. They remind me that God is near, and that I need to shift my focus a little. This world...it's not about me. I want to be a good person to others. A loving person to others. A present mother and wife and friend to others. I don't want to tarnish other people's days with my frustration and grumpiness.
I know that life is a work in progress, as am I. I don't want to waste it by longing, wishing and not being grateful. I do want to live with hope, optimism and joy. I know I am wavering right now, but it has been done, and can be done again. I just need to stop and remind myself every now and then.
Tonight in an effort to rejuvenate myself, I went to the gym. I did a group cycle class, which I don't particularly love, but the sweat is good and I need it. This is the first step in a new comittment to take care of myself again, so that maybe, hopefully, I will be able to take care of others better too.