Ever since I was a teen, the Christmas season has been packed with stuff. I remember studying for exams between music concerts.
As our family has grown, so has the number of Christmas commitments. Being a family of musicians makes Christmas a busy time for us, and when you throw in things like two age groups of kid Christmas parties, family parties, work parties, and baking parties...well, Christmas gets pretty crazy.
This week is our peak busy-ness week. I actually don't have time to be sitting here typing this, but I really need to take a breather and regroup a little before moving on to my next task.
I have been in a constant state of panic mixed with depression over the past month or so, which really really sucks. I walk around with a sore chest, shortness of breath, tingling extremities, gastro distress, nausea, and a feeling that I will start crying at any second (but of course I can't). I have increased my Cipralex dose to 5 mg, which is the half-pill that my doctor wants me to take. I think it is helping, along with an early bedtime, a happy light (thanks parents!!), water, vitamins, music, and healing isochronic tones with binaural beats as I fall asleep. Really, at this point I just need to try anything. Being overbooked makes my panic worse, but socializing makes me feel happy, so it is a delicate balance.
I did have a win this week to give me a boost. This past Sunday at church, I sang on the worship team. I started a couple of songs, which means me singing alone. The last time I sang solo was for mother's day when my 13 year old was a baby. And it was one line. Before that...I think it was a competition in grade four. I actually told the worship leader of our church earlier this year that I would sing on the team, but not alone. Well, circumstances this weekend led to me stepping up to help out, and that is what needed to be done. And I did it, even though the melody was closer to the top of my comfortable range. And my hubby who I would trust more than anyone else to tell me the 100% truth said I did well. And I am thankful that God gave me exactly what I needed in those moments to not choke or choke up.
There was a line that made me smile as I sang it, and now as I look up the lyrics, I can smile as I read the entire verse:
In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
So when You call I won't delay
This my song through all my days...
(from None but Jesus by Brooke Fraser)
Music is powerful, isn't it? This morning as I drove to work after a frustrating morning of my son missing the bus (again), I saw my beloved mountains and sang from the book of psalms, "I lift my eyes up, to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from You, Maker of Heaven..." and song after song continued to flow out of me until I got to work, calm and ready for the day. Music gets me through a lot of stuff, and I am so glad that I have so much music in my head and in my heart, to help with the problems I have in my head and in my heart. I'm glad music is at the center of our busy-ness through the Christmas season. Even though we are rushing about, we still have no choice but to take the time to sit and listen, sing, play, enjoy. It's perfect. :)