I just Googled "how to remove a curse". For real.
I'm out of ideas to make any of this better.
One thing after another this year.
I'm realizing that not only am I bad at decision making, but I also consistently make the wrong choice when I finally get there, and I'm letting people down. People's lives who touch mine are affected. It is both intriguing and nauseating to watch it play out.
As a leader of my family, how can this be remedied? Obviously, as tempting as it is, I can't just do nothing forever.
I can see how people who have no one relying on them can get lost in the depths.
I know my Christian friends are thinking that I need to trust God more. Maybe I do. But I am looking at the brokenness around me and seeing pain and heartache and hard times and a world of not enough. Not enough money, not enough health, not enough relationships, not enough patience, not enough love. It is blackness. And it is thick. And God's light is not illuminating the blackness. And I don't see him anywhere.
And maybe I don't want to.