Enough
Today has been a tough day.
This morning I battled with my teenager because he was intentionally late for the school that he chose to go to, which is not easy for any of us, but we are trying to support him in his dreams and passion. Normally he gets a ride from his dad; today he didn't, so that means "fight with Mom" day. :(
I've been feeling unwell since last Wednesday evening. Hot flashes/fever, chills, nausea, pounding headaches, fatigue, abdominal pain, back pain, depression. I'm not a cry-er. This morning I cried in the shower. Crying in the shower is so unfulfilling because my tears just mix with the water and its like they aren't even there.
Down news from hubby; my laminator at work ran out of film so I couldn't complete my job; a student asked if I like my job (and I lied and said yes); one of my classes had a sub so I had to chase her down for attendance (and then change procedures for after lunch); kids were constantly pushing the boundaries today of where they could be outside and how they were eating inside; I was dealing with two difficult students and the principal so there was still garbage on my classes' tables at clean up time, which meant a co-worker had to confront me with the way I was dismissing my classes.
Had to make up time because yesterday was a PD day, but I was feeling crappy so I only did a little extra before leaving. Got to my car and found a text from one of my kids' teachers saying he isn't completing his work. Got home and found out that I was passed over for a job I really wanted.
At least this time when I cried, my dog licked my tears instead of barking at me.
And my awesome hubby made dinner while I worked on the job search that I have broken from for the past 12 days, so he could rush off to an extra-long symphony rehearsal.
There is so much "You are enough" crap floating around mommy and woman groups. It is such a huge fucking lie. I am clearly not enough to get a job, which is actually a huge eye-opening shock to me. I used to think I was awesome. I am not enough mother if my kids are behind in their homework and vaccines. I am not enough to my husband in any way, currently. I am not enough lunchroom supervisor. I am not enough of a housekeeper, shown in the current state of my home. I am not enough handyman because our toilet is broken, the shower curtain I bought is still waiting to be installed, and our bathroom door does not have a lock. All we've needed since we moved here is a second bathroom and I haven't even started on that project. I'm not enough of a money manager to keep us out of debt. I am not enough of a landscaper. I am not enough of a friend to keep any, other than the one tied to me by wedding rings that don't fit either of us anymore. I am not enough for myself. I give up everything that is just mine because there are five (six, seven, more?) other beings that need the time, money, love, sleep, food, encouragement and I feel guilty keeping any of it for myself.
I am not enough Christian. I am not enough volunteer. I am not enough daughter, sister, aunt.
I am not enough in any part of my life. And I can't fix it. And no one else can fix it. And that means that nothing will ever get better. And that is the most hopeless, depressing thing that I have ever written, read, and known.
People say, "just be grateful for what you have." What I have is people and things that need my attention, and no matter how much attention I give to any of them, it will never be enough. I want to be grateful, but what I am is tired, broken, and just not enough.
This morning I battled with my teenager because he was intentionally late for the school that he chose to go to, which is not easy for any of us, but we are trying to support him in his dreams and passion. Normally he gets a ride from his dad; today he didn't, so that means "fight with Mom" day. :(
I've been feeling unwell since last Wednesday evening. Hot flashes/fever, chills, nausea, pounding headaches, fatigue, abdominal pain, back pain, depression. I'm not a cry-er. This morning I cried in the shower. Crying in the shower is so unfulfilling because my tears just mix with the water and its like they aren't even there.
Down news from hubby; my laminator at work ran out of film so I couldn't complete my job; a student asked if I like my job (and I lied and said yes); one of my classes had a sub so I had to chase her down for attendance (and then change procedures for after lunch); kids were constantly pushing the boundaries today of where they could be outside and how they were eating inside; I was dealing with two difficult students and the principal so there was still garbage on my classes' tables at clean up time, which meant a co-worker had to confront me with the way I was dismissing my classes.
Had to make up time because yesterday was a PD day, but I was feeling crappy so I only did a little extra before leaving. Got to my car and found a text from one of my kids' teachers saying he isn't completing his work. Got home and found out that I was passed over for a job I really wanted.
At least this time when I cried, my dog licked my tears instead of barking at me.
And my awesome hubby made dinner while I worked on the job search that I have broken from for the past 12 days, so he could rush off to an extra-long symphony rehearsal.
There is so much "You are enough" crap floating around mommy and woman groups. It is such a huge fucking lie. I am clearly not enough to get a job, which is actually a huge eye-opening shock to me. I used to think I was awesome. I am not enough mother if my kids are behind in their homework and vaccines. I am not enough to my husband in any way, currently. I am not enough lunchroom supervisor. I am not enough of a housekeeper, shown in the current state of my home. I am not enough handyman because our toilet is broken, the shower curtain I bought is still waiting to be installed, and our bathroom door does not have a lock. All we've needed since we moved here is a second bathroom and I haven't even started on that project. I'm not enough of a money manager to keep us out of debt. I am not enough of a landscaper. I am not enough of a friend to keep any, other than the one tied to me by wedding rings that don't fit either of us anymore. I am not enough for myself. I give up everything that is just mine because there are five (six, seven, more?) other beings that need the time, money, love, sleep, food, encouragement and I feel guilty keeping any of it for myself.
I am not enough Christian. I am not enough volunteer. I am not enough daughter, sister, aunt.
I am not enough in any part of my life. And I can't fix it. And no one else can fix it. And that means that nothing will ever get better. And that is the most hopeless, depressing thing that I have ever written, read, and known.
People say, "just be grateful for what you have." What I have is people and things that need my attention, and no matter how much attention I give to any of them, it will never be enough. I want to be grateful, but what I am is tired, broken, and just not enough.
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