Thursday

It's 10:41 pm and I'm making cards.  My mom had her stamp club tonight and I said I'd craft to be there with her group in spirit.

I would have gone to bed long ago, but I had chicken breasts to cook.  I did that starting at 9:40, after I threw out a spoiled family-sized pack of raw drumsticks.  I should have packaged them up when I bought them...waste.

It's okay, I wasn't tired at 9:40.  I'm tired now.

Sitting here alone, crafting with everyone else in bed, the smell of blackened chicken breasts overwhelming the air...it overtook me for a minute.  I had panic like I did in the beginning, and for that moment, I thought, "that's it!  Back on cipralex!"

It's easy to think that when I am losing weight at an alarming rate and I am thinking clearly out of the fog.  But the truth is, I don't want to go back on cipralex.  I don't want the weight gain, the high cholesterol, the foggy thinking.  Especially the foggy thinking...I need to be smart to get a job.  It's not happening for me though, and our debt pit grows by the day.  I don't actually want a job.  I quite enjoyed being home today, even if staying in bed and resting got boring. As this day goes on, I'm realizing that I need a good chunk of recovery time to be healthy again.  The fact that I can't do it is what brought the panic, I think.

Why do I have to be like this?  I miss the younger me, after I got healthy, before I made a string of mistakes that continues to this day.  Where did I go wrong?  I just don't know. What is my body up to, feeling the way it does?  I don't understand.

Today was mostly good, anyway.  Thursdays are good days with nothing in the evening.  I like Thursdays the best.