It's 10:41 pm and I'm making cards. My mom had her stamp club tonight and I said I'd craft to be there with her group in spirit.
I would have gone to bed long ago, but I had chicken breasts to cook. I did that starting at 9:40, after I threw out a spoiled family-sized pack of raw drumsticks. I should have packaged them up when I bought them...waste.
It's okay, I wasn't tired at 9:40. I'm tired now.
Sitting here alone, crafting with everyone else in bed, the smell of blackened chicken breasts overwhelming the air...it overtook me for a minute. I had panic like I did in the beginning, and for that moment, I thought, "that's it! Back on cipralex!"
It's easy to think that when I am losing weight at an alarming rate and I am thinking clearly out of the fog. But the truth is, I don't want to go back on cipralex. I don't want the weight gain, the high cholesterol, the foggy thinking. Especially the foggy thinking...I need to be smart to get a job. It's not happening for me though, and our debt pit grows by the day. I don't actually want a job. I quite enjoyed being home today, even if staying in bed and resting got boring. As this day goes on, I'm realizing that I need a good chunk of recovery time to be healthy again. The fact that I can't do it is what brought the panic, I think.
Why do I have to be like this? I miss the younger me, after I got healthy, before I made a string of mistakes that continues to this day. Where did I go wrong? I just don't know. What is my body up to, feeling the way it does? I don't understand.
Today was mostly good, anyway. Thursdays are good days with nothing in the evening. I like Thursdays the best.