The BIG One

Well, long time no write here!

I've had words on my heart so much in the past couple of months and have kept putting them off. I want to say that I don't know why, or that I've been busy, but the truth is I am struggling with depression! And related health issues. And I am exhausted. 

I keep thinking I am just so physically, mentally, socially, spiritually exhausted. And then I fall deeper into that hole. I want to get out of it but I just can't see it happening, ever. Because just as my hard work to lift one heavy thing pays off, another heavy thing falls on me (currently struggling with selling a house [and all little ends that need to be tied up], buying a house [and moving all the stuff, finding the stuff, finding spots for the stuff, second guessing everything about the purchase, renovations, repairs, lack of meal planning, the fact that I told my accountant hubby that of course we can do this during tax season - I'll do everything and you totally don't need to worry!], parenting teenagers through a freaking pandemic while school and activities are taken away from them and given back all willy-nilly, car repair, van repair, more van repair [that I think did not stick so I need to find time to call again], and news that our sweet, happy, best dog ever is terminally ill and I have some decisions to make). 

And now I am in this super weird place where everything seems surreal and I just hate this feeling so much. So I pulled out my laptop, and here I am. Chest ache and all.

Two evenings ago, I had the biggest panic attack that I have ever had. It probably started off like any other, but the difference was that I was running with my dog who just wanted to run. And right now I'm pretty much letting him do whatever he wants. We've moved to a new community, so we were running in a new place that I am not familiar with. I know there is wildlife there and that made me a bit uneasy, so we didn't spend too much time there. I was out of breath (because I am wildly out of shape) and trying to balance that with all the other thoughts running through my head.

Already feeling like I'd pushed my lungs and heart a little too much, I got in the van to run an errand. This would be a drive through the city and out the other side, and then a return on dark country roads, a 2-hour round trip. My digestive system has been a little extra lately (more than its regular messed up self), and along with that comes anxious feelings that underscore everything I do, including but not limited to long drives on highways.

So. Giant panic attack. Chest pain, back pain, shortness of breath, racing heart, muscle tension, anxiety on top of anxiety on top of anxiety. By the time I got home I really was not feeling great. I took an Ativan - a whole one instead of the half-size I normally take for a panic attack - and went to sleep.

Yesterday morning, I went in to work, but I was dragging and I let my supervisors know and why. Everything hurt. I was so groggy and so exhausted and so weak. We are so short staffed right now, I had to try to go in, which I did, but I didn't even put my stuff down at my desk before I was in tears. Because I am emotional right now too. Of course. So back home I went to sleep and cry recover.

By the evening, my chest and back still were full of pressure. My muscles were weak and sore. My vision was blurry. I called 811, who advised me that they should tell me to call 911 immediately, but since my symptoms had been ongoing, I could get someone to drive me to emergency. I called my hubby home from work and he took me in.

Five hours, two IV starts, an ECG, a chest x-ray, lots of blood work and one super intense COVID-19 nasal swab later, I was discharged, cleared for any cardiac event or blood clot. Still exhausted, still sore, still seeing blurry, feeling bad because I had texted my hubby that they were keeping me overnight so he could go home (he had sat in a nearby parking lot for those five hours) and just as he walked in the door to our house, they discharged me.

Today I woke up feeling much the same. I went online to check out my COVID-19 test results and peeked at the rest of my lab results while I was there. Everything within normal range, except for one test showing I am anaemic (though this is normal for me). 

I guess this is just the way that I am now.

My digestive system is still a mess, which does explain the lingering anxiety. My anxiety story originated with my fucked up digestion, so it is definitely a trigger. 

Today I swore off gluten (again) and drank lots of water (not really, but more than I usually drink), gave my back muscles some ice and Advil and bedrest and I am hoping that this will put me back on the road to feeling normal-crappy. I switched out my contacts for my glasses and my blurred vision went away. As long as I haven't caught COVID-19 from the positive coughing couple sitting next to me for an hour in the waiting room, I just might make it through this new panic and anxiety that has found me.

Off to bed now, and then to work in the AM. Sweet hubby has agreed to meet the carpet cleaner at our condo so that I don't need to ask for MORE time away from work. Several small bits of anxiety that I don't need to claim. Grateful for that. <3