Life right now

 Life right now feels crazy and chaotic and unstable.

Everything feels wrong.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. My hubby asked me if there was something that I wanted as a gift or activity for Mother's Day. I was isolating awaiting COVID-19 test results, so there weren't any outside options.

I told him that I didn't want anything. Didn't feel I "deserved" anything. I feel like a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad friend. I feel so overwhelmed, like there is so much and I just can't get my shit together. Why can't I be good to all of these people who love me? Why can't I serve them the way that I want to? Why can't I show them how thankful I am for all that they are? Why can't I stop feeling unhealthy and tired and weak?

It's been well over a year that we've been dealing with this pandemic garbage. Everything about it pisses me off. The government and their lukewarm decisions, the people who won't just fucking do what they are told, and the resulting destruction of people who are losing their sanity and/or their lives because they can't do what they need to do - work, play, learn, have access medical care. I've always had a heart for teenagers and I'm going to say...from all that I'm hearing, the vast majority of teenagers are really not doing so good right now. *tears* My heart breaks every day for this age group who is being pushed around, told what to do and what not to do, and they are trying their best (like we all are), but they just don't have the life experience to draw on to cope with all this yanking around or the physical or social outlets to deal with the stress of uncertainties. Is anyone doing anything for our teenagers??

Anyway, unstable...I am up and down and up and down. So thankful for my new home. It is blatantly obvious that we are meant to have this house. Flipside...it needs a lot of work that I want to do ASAP. All at once, I mean. It's a little frustrating. But I am enjoying and looking forward to all the learning. But the money thing. But hubby is doing well at work. But I don't want to deplete his company's finances. Up and down and up and down.

Other happenings are happening too. Finally, after lifetimes of waiting, my children will all have psychoeducational assessments done before the end of the summer. My oldest had his done last year and it was expensive but so worth it. My second will start his assessment this week. And the other two next month. I wish we sucked it up and paid the price and did them when they were younger - the support they could have gotten through their school years would have made a world of difference to them, I know. I am glad that two of them will have feedback before starting high school; I know it will be eye-opening for all of us. Pricey at a time where we are bleeding money, but future me says just fucking do it already!

My dog is not doing so well. The time for us to let him go is upon us. We are selfish though. I don't want to be the one to make the call. I think I will have to be. I am researching, looking for charts and articles and advice on knowing when the right time is. It's still hard when there is not a black and white answer. I am still struggling about how he got sick in the first place. I feel heavily like it was my fault. I also feel like in some sort of sick Job-type battle between God and Satan, this is a trade off where I got a good thing in a new home, which I have wanted for so long, but the payment is that we have to say goodbye to our rescue dog who presented so perfectly attuned to our family's needs that we could not NOT put in an application to adopt him immediately. I feel in my heart that there will never be another dog like this one. A good mannered, well-trained, easy-going, perfect-sized rescue pup who can make even the most canine-terrified little girl love him? How the hell did we get so freaking lucky that a dog from CALIFORNIA who was somehow on the kill list made his way to us here? Divine intervention, I'm telling you.

I am typing this mid-day and my lunch break is ending, so I'll have to end this here. But I hope to start dumping my brain a little more often here. My physical ailments are in some part, I'm sure, caused by all the weight I am carrying around in my head and in my heart. Maybe if I can let some of it out through my fingers, just maybe I can start to recover physically too.