Saying Goodbye

Today we had to say goodbye to our sweet perfect dog, Herbie.

In December he started reverse sneezing. In January he had a constantly stuffy nose. The vet had us try a variety of treatments over the next few months. In April he was diagnosed with a nasal growth, suspected tumour, no humane treatment. She said we could investigate further but cancerous or not, nothing could be done about a growth in that location. 

Over the past month and a half, his condition worsened and we watched him become a shadow of his former self. He tried so hard to just keep on keeping on. But the last couple weeks were really rough for him. Some nights I thought he might suffocate in the little bit of sleep he was getting at night.  Some mornings, we'd wake up to blood-tinged mucous running from both nostrils. Today the vet confirmed he was in worse shape than we thought, and we were doing the best thing for him by letting him go.

Hubby had called on Wednesday morning to make the appointment, and after dinner on Wednesday night, we told the kids. Then we all sat around the table crying and talking for about an hour.

Thursday (yesterday) one of the kids' friends came over (her grandma had died the night before and she needed to be with a friend) and my brother came over and we did some Herbie art projects. We tried to mix up cement for a handprint kit to get a pawprint. Hilarity ensued. LOL  Luckily my brother had brought more supplies to complete the project.

After the pawprints in cement, we each squeezed some paint on a canvas, covered it in plastic and put yogurt on the plastic for Herbie to lick up, which moved the paint around and it became his own special painting. Today the kids tried to get a pawprint signature on there. As I held his paw and stroked his leg at the vet's office, I found more and more paint. I heard from the kids that he didn't really like the pawprint exercise. Haha

On Wednesday and Thursday evenings, we gave Herbie his own plate of the same supper the rest of us were eating; Wednesday was chicken breast, rice and peas; and Thursday was ribs, potatoes and mixed veggies. We made sure that he got good portions of all his favourite foods - bananas, peanut butter, yogurt, burgers with bacon and cheese, popcorn, an ice cream cone...and of course wet dog food and plenty of treats. He was a dog who LOVED people food. He would do anything for it, and this made him a quick learner for tricks. ;)

The last few days were filled to overflowing with cuddles and hugs and carrying and pats and scratches and love. We loved him hard for four and a half years. He loved us hard right back. He lived to make us happy and it did not go unnoticed by us. The feeling was mutual. Seeing him smile his doggy smile, wag his tail, be so proud of himself for being awesome - this has been our life with our first dog. There is that saying about rescue dogs: "Who rescued whom?" We rescued each other.

Today hubby went to work for the morning and then came home to prepare for the appointment. He and the kids took Herbie to the dog park in our old neighbourhood for one last go, and I joined them after my work day. Herbie LOVED that place, and today it did not disappoint. It was filled with more dogs than I had ever seen there before. Herbie loved the big dogs - I think he thought he was one - and had a pee war with a little chihuahua. Other dog owners stooped to give Herbie scratches and pets and coo over how adorable and sweet he was. I think if Herbie could pick what doggy heaven is like, this would be it.

After the dog park, there was popcorn snacking in the car, then some good ol' McDonald's food - some burger, some ice cream, some fries. 

When it was time, we headed over to the vet's parking lot. I joined hubby in his car while the kids said their goodbyes to Herbie in the van.

Because of the pandemic, going to the vet involves parking, calling to say you've arrived, them calling back to say you can bring your animal to the door, and then them taking them in. Thankfully hubby and I could go in with Herbie today, but it did not save us from the awkward initial call to say that we were in the parking lot, and the wait for them to wave in hubby to get payment and cremation details out of the way before we brought in our pup.

Hubby took care of the details, then came to the van to get Herbie and I to go inside. The kids each hugged their first real pet and cried. I cried too. Seeing the kids so distraught and not being able to take away the pain is really hard. Hubby took Herbie in his arms, and the three of us went inside.

We were taken straight to a room. THE room. The vet came in and looked sad like us. She got details on how Herbie has been, and did a bit of an exam. There was swelling in his neck, lymph node and eye, roof of his mouth at the back near his throat. She said that he must have been quite uncomfortable and that we had made a good choice.

We chose an urn, being assured that anything we choose in this moment is not set in stone; we can still make changes for the next two days so no pressure.

The sedation needle went in. Herbie ate what I think was half his body weight in treats - a whole mountain of them. And he kept wanting more. And the vet kept giving more. Herbie ate treats until he was so sleepy that he couldn't move his head to reach them. And he relaxed. And he took some deep, refreshing breaths. The vet let us know that there was also some pain reliever in the sedation. And I was so happy for him to be able to feel pain-free and to take a nice big breath. I kept eye contact. I kept his paw in my hand. He was such a good boy. Some twitching...the vet said more than usual and he must have been an energetic little guy. That he was, once. 

The second needle, and eventually, peace.

Through the whole thing, he blinked only a few times. I stared love into his eyes the best I could. 

When the vet confirmed that Herbie was gone, hubby and I hugged each other and cried. Thanked the vet. Went outside to our children, who were waiting patiently with heavy hearts and some tears of their own. 

Two kids got into the car with hubby. Two kids stayed in the van with me. Each in our own vehicles, hubby and I relayed details of what happened inside the vet's office as we drove home. 

It all feels surreal now. Somewhere in my brain the questions are asked...did this all really happen? Did we actually have a canine family member? Was it all a dream? And the logical answers: LOOK at the evidence. The leash, the food bowl, the pee pad on the floor. FEEL the heaviness of the air, the emptiness of the house. HEAR the silence as passers-by on the sidewalk don't draw barking greetings from our living room.

My emotions are all over the place tonight. I know that life while suffering was not the life Herbie deserved. But he still had a spark in him that I respected like hell and I hate that it had to be all or nothing for him. The vet said that cancer is cruel. Fucking cruel indeed.

Goodbye Herbie. You were the perfect dog for us; from the second we met you, you and we all knew that we had to be together. Even the kiddo who did not want a dog. You won her over, boy. You won her heart in no time flat, and changed everything. You changed everything for all of us in the best way possible. Thank you a million times over, and enjoy that big amazing dog park across the bridge. You deserve it all.